So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
