U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
