Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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