Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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