dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
