she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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long story
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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