so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
