I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
