mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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