I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
