i think i have two assholes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
