She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
