She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
please don't ironically join a cult
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