Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
