You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
