i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
