I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i wish my penis had a tongue
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
