I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
