True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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