After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
