a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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