So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
