What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
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Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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