He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
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I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think your dad took our porno
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I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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