you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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