textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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