Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
