I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Less talking, more tequila
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
