I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
