clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
