They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
