im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
