just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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