if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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