Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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