At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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