Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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