Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
