im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
