I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
