I feel great
I just peed on a car
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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