i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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