I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
