Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
