I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
