im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Barsexuality is the new black.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
