Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Liz is crying about burritos again.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
