Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
