My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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