I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
