I haven't been this sober since birth.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
