Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
