So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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