Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
