Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
